struggle

I am two different people. I am not entirely one or the other, just part of both and I cannot do it anymore

Part of me is a revolutionary, out to liberate the world. She doesn’t care about being successful or having material objects. She is willing to give up everything for the movement, even her life if that is what it comes down to. She is a public speaker and people who hear her speeches say she is moving and powerful. She is strong but she is met with opposition on all sides, mostly within her movement and almost never from outside of it. Everyone in her movement thinks that she is just some white girl who does not really want to help the world, who doesn’t really understand the indigenousness struggle and the Zapatistas, or the fight of the working class; that she could never commit. They believe is just some white girl who cannot understand, but she understands. She fucking understands what it means and she cries at night about it and has forsaken her other half. She is in love with a boy who shares her values. They have not talked about their problems until recently and they are working on it. She loves the boy so much that she does not want to ever leave him.
The other part of me is apathetic about politics and feels that she has lost passion for such things. She has passion in art and feels that no one should take that away from her. She is the part of me that no one sees, no one except for one person; someone who does not even understand the significance of what he knows about her. She wants a stable life. She wants to enjoy life and not work every day for a moment of satisfaction that will never come. She has no inhibitions, she is outspoken, spontaneous, and has a thirst for life. She wants to travel the world. She is on fire. She sees herself as an art piece and likes to dress like she is such. She is also strong. And she is in love with a boy.

So now I am reaching a point in my life where my two persons must part and walk away. As I decide which road I take I am afraid to cross paths again, but I guess that’s a risk I’ll have to take. I feel that I really must embrace the self that I have denied so long. I do not want to be two people anymore and I am done with it.
The hardest part is probably walking away. It is a comfortable place to be the person everyone believes that you are but I guess that I can no longer live in that fantasy world. It is time for me to walk away. It is the end of one life and the beginning of another. I’m leaving but I don’t know where to, and maybe I’m okay with that. I know that I am in the wrong place at the wrong place.

The world’s got me dizzy and I’ll walk away.

down and low

bummed.
that just about sums up my life right now.
I have no more money left on my J points, which is my meal card. Actually that's a lie, i have 15 cents on it, but that doesn't help me any. Its ridiculous. If you don't use a meal card food is REALLY REALLY expensive. A salad runs about $10. its ridiculous. with the card you can get 2 boca burgers, fries, and a grilled cheese sandwich for $5.05. With cash it's about $25. And its all just frozen food from sisco. ridiculous. So now i have to go to housing and dining to find out where my money went. I look at my transactions and my meal plan was $3,616. Do you know how much i got to use? Take a while guess. $824. That's how much. grrr. cause now i can't eat for the rest of the semester.
especially since i quit my job cause my boss kept yelling at me and eventually made me cry. I wouldn't have been able to get food stamps anyway though since my parents claimed me last year on their taxes. Lame. Basically my world is falling apart around me

school, art, and life

So today I got news that I am in fact NOT going to go to school in San Francisco. I talked to my dad today and he has decided not to pay for school unless I go to BYU, which is just not a place I want to be. Good news is that I am still moving to San Francisco. I still plan on living with Tiffany which I think will be a wonderful experience. I also plan to work my tush off so that I can pay for school next year. At least this gives me a year off to audition for ANTM haha.
In other news I've been having problem with my diet and found out that I am really not getting as many calories as I need so I'm going back to the vegetarian diet. I'm just not rich enough to be vegan at the moment, which is a bummer but at least this time I didn't cry when I ate ice cream which is a pretty good thing as far as I'm concerned.
Kamila really helped me out today and made me feel much better. I'm really lucky to have her around.
I went to a speaker tonight, he was representing Queer Muslims and just talking to us. Some guys behind us were ridiculous. I could hear them saying that "there's no way he's a practicing Muslim" and i was shocked. How dare these boys, they were not close to men, say something like that. what right do they have to pass that judgement? Did they study the Koran? I doubt it.
They were just stupid college students. They kept asking him random questions that had nothing to do with what he was talking about. Right as I was about to say something to them, they left. I'm bummed I didn't get to say anything but at least they stopped harassing the poor guy.
In other news I got to make vegan cheesecake from scratch. Everyone liked it, especially the nonvegans haha. Apparently i'm a good pastry chef. It was delicious