struggle

I am two different people. I am not entirely one or the other, just part of both and I cannot do it anymore

Part of me is a revolutionary, out to liberate the world. She doesn’t care about being successful or having material objects. She is willing to give up everything for the movement, even her life if that is what it comes down to. She is a public speaker and people who hear her speeches say she is moving and powerful. She is strong but she is met with opposition on all sides, mostly within her movement and almost never from outside of it. Everyone in her movement thinks that she is just some white girl who does not really want to help the world, who doesn’t really understand the indigenousness struggle and the Zapatistas, or the fight of the working class; that she could never commit. They believe is just some white girl who cannot understand, but she understands. She fucking understands what it means and she cries at night about it and has forsaken her other half. She is in love with a boy who shares her values. They have not talked about their problems until recently and they are working on it. She loves the boy so much that she does not want to ever leave him.
The other part of me is apathetic about politics and feels that she has lost passion for such things. She has passion in art and feels that no one should take that away from her. She is the part of me that no one sees, no one except for one person; someone who does not even understand the significance of what he knows about her. She wants a stable life. She wants to enjoy life and not work every day for a moment of satisfaction that will never come. She has no inhibitions, she is outspoken, spontaneous, and has a thirst for life. She wants to travel the world. She is on fire. She sees herself as an art piece and likes to dress like she is such. She is also strong. And she is in love with a boy.

So now I am reaching a point in my life where my two persons must part and walk away. As I decide which road I take I am afraid to cross paths again, but I guess that’s a risk I’ll have to take. I feel that I really must embrace the self that I have denied so long. I do not want to be two people anymore and I am done with it.
The hardest part is probably walking away. It is a comfortable place to be the person everyone believes that you are but I guess that I can no longer live in that fantasy world. It is time for me to walk away. It is the end of one life and the beginning of another. I’m leaving but I don’t know where to, and maybe I’m okay with that. I know that I am in the wrong place at the wrong place.

The world’s got me dizzy and I’ll walk away.