expedition

i work by myself early in the mornings with the occasional company of one of my regulars. i haven't been keeping up with my once constant schedule so even they hardly come anymore. in this time i end up thinking too much to myself. one of my friends stopped by and we talked a little about school.

so one thing led to another and today i thought a little bit about my family.
i thought a little bit about my father and some of the things he asks me sometimes. i wonder how much he knows about me. after four years of veganism, he still asks me if i want to eat ribs with the family. he and rhonda still assume i do drugs regardless of anything anyone else knows that point to the contrary (still assuming, not assuming still). he doesn't know what music i listen to, my favorite color, what foods i like, who i'm dating at any given time (they still are not convinced i'm not dating ivan). it's a little irritating to be honest.

i'm not one to reach out by myself, so some of it may be my fault but i can't help but thinking that a little interest could be shone on the other side.

i don't think that he even knows that i hang out by myself all day. a couple weeks ago i had spent so much time at the park that i got the cops called on me by concerned neighbors. it's just hard to be here. It's hard when i want to practice any sort of music since it's not allowed in the house. usually i spend some extra time at work. by the time i finish my shift one of my friends will start theirs, so i linger for the company. as the routine goes, i'll drive by house, if rhonda's there i keep driving and go to the park, if not i'll go inside to practice or read, but we know how this half usually turns out.

i just need to be close to people again, not just mentally but physically. i feel so disconnected from people and need that. it's not that i need anything sexual, just closeness and comfort without awkwardness.

i suppose that's why i've been getting into all those crappy relationships like bobby and maybe that's why i had so many problems with ivan, but at this point i guess i'd rather be a hermit than do that sort of thing again, either one.

i've been doing a lot of good reflection though. i've been fixing up my diet so that i can be healthy again, spending more time outside, and calling up old friends. While i don't see much coming from that friends part, i at least want to keep ties up.






however, this summer looks promising
new friends are helping me keep my chin up