Winterness and back in Orange County

So apparently i get all major sicknesses that you are not suppose to get more than once, twice. i had chicken pox twice when i was little and now i've had mono for the second time...bummer.

never

i still can't forget that night.
i never thought i would end up with someone who would do that to me.
i can't look at him the same. ever, and i'm sorry but things will never be the same after that. if he could do it once, he could do it again.

not the greatest place to be

i wish you would grow up.

both of you.

one of you continually preaches about being a free spirit or whatever the fuck it is that you want and preach against labels. tragically all you do is label people. you pretend like you are so mature and so grown up, that you've gone through so much and sure you've been through shit, but everyone has, you just never learned from it. that's what makes you mature, when you can deal with your shit and better yourself because of it. why don't you stop judging people for one second jocie and look at yourself. at least i don't make an ass of myself and continually embarrass those who try to love me. you're a walking contradiction.

you, on the other hand, love people like her. you defend them and praise them and i just don't understand your logic. you are "so old" and i don't understand what its like to be an adult. what? because you're 20? fuck you. i'm not the one with a 15 yeah old best friend which would be weird even if she weren't a girl. you say i don't understand what its like to have all of these responsibilities, to work and go to school. well you don't pay for your school either. you never have to worry about that. you don't pay rent. you don't even pay for food. you're far better of than i and you can't even see it. i'm not a child so stop continually treating me like one because it makes you seem like an idiot who refuses to listen. can you go through one conversation without interrupting the other person. i know you can't with me, or at least you never have been able to. i'm not like you're preteen girlfriends who let you get away with that.

this just isn't going to work

struggle

I am two different people. I am not entirely one or the other, just part of both and I cannot do it anymore

Part of me is a revolutionary, out to liberate the world. She doesn’t care about being successful or having material objects. She is willing to give up everything for the movement, even her life if that is what it comes down to. She is a public speaker and people who hear her speeches say she is moving and powerful. She is strong but she is met with opposition on all sides, mostly within her movement and almost never from outside of it. Everyone in her movement thinks that she is just some white girl who does not really want to help the world, who doesn’t really understand the indigenousness struggle and the Zapatistas, or the fight of the working class; that she could never commit. They believe is just some white girl who cannot understand, but she understands. She fucking understands what it means and she cries at night about it and has forsaken her other half. She is in love with a boy who shares her values. They have not talked about their problems until recently and they are working on it. She loves the boy so much that she does not want to ever leave him.
The other part of me is apathetic about politics and feels that she has lost passion for such things. She has passion in art and feels that no one should take that away from her. She is the part of me that no one sees, no one except for one person; someone who does not even understand the significance of what he knows about her. She wants a stable life. She wants to enjoy life and not work every day for a moment of satisfaction that will never come. She has no inhibitions, she is outspoken, spontaneous, and has a thirst for life. She wants to travel the world. She is on fire. She sees herself as an art piece and likes to dress like she is such. She is also strong. And she is in love with a boy.

So now I am reaching a point in my life where my two persons must part and walk away. As I decide which road I take I am afraid to cross paths again, but I guess that’s a risk I’ll have to take. I feel that I really must embrace the self that I have denied so long. I do not want to be two people anymore and I am done with it.
The hardest part is probably walking away. It is a comfortable place to be the person everyone believes that you are but I guess that I can no longer live in that fantasy world. It is time for me to walk away. It is the end of one life and the beginning of another. I’m leaving but I don’t know where to, and maybe I’m okay with that. I know that I am in the wrong place at the wrong place.

The world’s got me dizzy and I’ll walk away.

down and low

bummed.
that just about sums up my life right now.
I have no more money left on my J points, which is my meal card. Actually that's a lie, i have 15 cents on it, but that doesn't help me any. Its ridiculous. If you don't use a meal card food is REALLY REALLY expensive. A salad runs about $10. its ridiculous. with the card you can get 2 boca burgers, fries, and a grilled cheese sandwich for $5.05. With cash it's about $25. And its all just frozen food from sisco. ridiculous. So now i have to go to housing and dining to find out where my money went. I look at my transactions and my meal plan was $3,616. Do you know how much i got to use? Take a while guess. $824. That's how much. grrr. cause now i can't eat for the rest of the semester.
especially since i quit my job cause my boss kept yelling at me and eventually made me cry. I wouldn't have been able to get food stamps anyway though since my parents claimed me last year on their taxes. Lame. Basically my world is falling apart around me

school, art, and life

So today I got news that I am in fact NOT going to go to school in San Francisco. I talked to my dad today and he has decided not to pay for school unless I go to BYU, which is just not a place I want to be. Good news is that I am still moving to San Francisco. I still plan on living with Tiffany which I think will be a wonderful experience. I also plan to work my tush off so that I can pay for school next year. At least this gives me a year off to audition for ANTM haha.
In other news I've been having problem with my diet and found out that I am really not getting as many calories as I need so I'm going back to the vegetarian diet. I'm just not rich enough to be vegan at the moment, which is a bummer but at least this time I didn't cry when I ate ice cream which is a pretty good thing as far as I'm concerned.
Kamila really helped me out today and made me feel much better. I'm really lucky to have her around.
I went to a speaker tonight, he was representing Queer Muslims and just talking to us. Some guys behind us were ridiculous. I could hear them saying that "there's no way he's a practicing Muslim" and i was shocked. How dare these boys, they were not close to men, say something like that. what right do they have to pass that judgement? Did they study the Koran? I doubt it.
They were just stupid college students. They kept asking him random questions that had nothing to do with what he was talking about. Right as I was about to say something to them, they left. I'm bummed I didn't get to say anything but at least they stopped harassing the poor guy.
In other news I got to make vegan cheesecake from scratch. Everyone liked it, especially the nonvegans haha. Apparently i'm a good pastry chef. It was delicious

an embarasment to humanity

so i forgot to expand a little on san francisco in the sense of what went down in berkeley. I've already had my mind set on not going to berkeley anymore for several reasons but this past weekend i got a few more and also why i'll never go to ohio state.
so we all know about the tree sitters right? most people don't know though that the people aren't just there to protect the trees, they're citizens of berkeley who are tired of being run down by the university. there's a lot more controversy than people think. the surrounding city is dirt poor because the university takes all the money, good property, and everything else. right now they even charge for parking on pedestrian streets which they do not own. the same thing that's happening with the trees is the same as what happened at people's park, if anyone knows anything about that.
so, we were walking past and we stopped to watch, if you haven't been there, it's something worth seeing. there's the people in trees, all masked of course, they have houses and bridges and pulleys, there's a gate around them, and of course cops, to make sure that people don't attack the people in the trees.
A woman from ohio state (they were playing against berkley that day) was shouting at a police officer saying "what kind of university lets this happen" another person commented on the wasted tax dollars he police were spending by standing there.
I was dumbfounded because there are HUGE and elaborate frat houses just down the street with inebriated college kids our in the yard. There are numerous rapes and molestation as well as sexual harassment that happens at campus due to the allowance of this part of the "college experience". These guys are also the ones with top marks in their class that get petted on the head by professors because their parents donate money to the university, even if they do only show up less than half of the time. What kind of university allows that?
By the frat houses there was a HUGE multimillion dollar RV sitting in a drive way with "Go Army" posted all over it. It was a little more than extravagant. There were officers sitting around doing nothing, smoking and drinking. THAT my friends, is a waste of tax dollars.
I don't understand the mentality behind most people's thinking. I'm ashamed that people can live like this and not be upset or enraged.

The place we call home...

So everything is just coming on so fast.
I have my classes which are fine except my stupid statistics class which will certainly be the death of me. Seriously, it brings me down, I can hardly stay the whole hour its so depressing.
I have work which is starting to look like a great obstacle, but at least I usually go to work after stats and it always makes me feel better. It may also mean that I don't get to go home for thanksgiving or for christmas and I don't know what i'm going to do when next semester comes around and i'll have at least six classes which will defiantly cut into my hours, which may mean i'll have to leave my job since i'm suppose to work from opening to closing. maybe i'll just take night classes and two morning classes, even though i promised myself i'd never take an 8 o'clock class again, seriously....it's probably the worst choice i've ever made, but at least i love the class.
I only have $83 left for food for the rest of the semester which means that I have to work more so that i can apply for food stamps and hopefully get an ebt card. did you know that you can be unemployed and not going to school and get food stamps? you can go to school part time and have no job and get food stamps? but if you go full time you have to be working at least 20 hours a week. This also may be a problem since i think my bosses are a little shifty and may not actually be sending the "taxes" they take out of my paycheck to the government, and i need my social security card which i do not have.


Other than that things have been swell,
I got a letter from my grandma joan today where she said rhonda sent me a letter with part of a letter i had sent to rhonda saying that i loved rhonda and all that jazz which i thought was funny because i write that stuff to make her feel better but now she's sending it to grams like "in yo' face!" and it's sad but grandma thought it was funny so its all good.

I did go to san francisco this weekend to have a wonderful adventure

it all started with five people in a five person car each with two backpacks on a five hour drive. It would have worked out except the girl who was driving us had a mother who insisted on carrying a years supply of food and water in the back of the car. Plus one of the girls had a grandfather who was dying as we drove and she would randomly start crying and ivan and i didn't understand why. it wasn't until about ten minutes before we dropped her off that we connected all the dots. Thankfully she made it in time. Sadly it made our trip two hours longer.
After that excitement we finally made it to Oakland/Berkley, where ever you would say sean and jocie's building falls in. One of the guys from genghis tron broke his foot so we couldn't go to the show on jocie's birthday, we went to a delicious vegan restaurant instead, but it was already 8 by the time we got there so that's all there was time for. Saturday Sean took us to Maggie Muds which sits atop a GIGANTIC hill, they were the demise of my calves. But the vegan ice cream was amazing. Best sunday ever, i just wish i had been able to eat it all, there was just so much.
Then we went to jocie's and elise's birthday party which was located in scenic paul and cory's studio. it wasn't half bad. ivan and i fell asleep on the couch at about 1 45 am and we all left finally at about 2 30.
next day we ate yummy vegan food then we had to go home : (

So now i sit here waiting for either my work to call me or for ivan to get off of work so i can go over to his house. I should probably be working on my zine that's due out november 1st. we have a meeting tomorrow i'll tell you how it goes.

okay i'm done making you bored