my favorite quote...ever

Craig Kilborn: "Name your favorite Charlie's Angel. Give you some time to think of that."
John Cleese: "Noam Chomsky."

los bagels

my teeth hurt so bad that i feel like the lower part of my skull will separate.
it's strange to feel so lonely where i am in life but i've never been more so.

blackbird rum

i actually sat down today and drew which has been a rare occurrence since i have begun my collegiate career which is strange since i'm a studio art major. i might as well be majoring in "starving artist" but whateves. i'm getting really into graphic design which i think i could be really could at, but that's just for now. i had a dream last night of all these clothes i should or did or will design. or something like that. that made me happy since i've had a lack of inspiration lately.
i will try and get the two pictures up when i pull my scanner out from under my bed.
I should really be writing my article for the zine right now. i'm the editor for goodness sakes. (i don't know how to write that expression and i just realized that

so soon

i think i'll make cheesecake tonight

snow

The snow finally came. the better half of yesterday as well as the early morning brought white the beautiful yet very cold white stuff to our home. ivan wanted to hike but since i was feeling sick and hiking in the middle of a pretty good snow fall and possibly throwing up all over it didn't seem like my perfect afternoon, i passed.
one of my favorite and least favorite things about redwood country is that you're never quite sure when it stops raining. the trees are so heavy with water that the continue the showers for up to hours longer than the skies decided. in this case however the trees are heavy with melting snow and the sun has come up and they seem to pour cold cold water for god knows how long. long story short...avoid the trees.
i was a little upset when i was walking to class today and almost fell on my butt like four times on those slick slopes but now its just wet and i want it back. there's snow around but still...i want more.
on of my professors was making fun of "californians" and how they don't know about snow. excuse me. does he realize how large this state is? its larger than many countries. did the geographical diversity ever strike him. from my home in san clemente i could see snow on the close-by mountains and there's always plenty of feet of snow just an hour away. i was really disappointed to see just a few inches. there was actually a lot but it just wouldn't stick until well into the 4th hour of the storm. i expected more...but still it was nice and exciting.

dans les grandes plainmes des peines à jouir

parfois j'aimerais mourir tellement j'ai voulu croire.
it somehow seems to be a mistake. i am not happy. jealously, paranoia destroys everything with us little bear. it drives me crazy little bear. i do not feel better as i sit alone waiting for you to come home. i can no longer see the bright future we once saw together. i have lost that future and no longer know what to do.
i still have these passions little bear. i still cannot stand aside and watch little bear but i no longer know what i am to do.
i had been so sure. i was so committed to my cause, willing to become a martyr in a revolution i will not see, but i cannot leave my family. i cannot have my family leave me. i don't know what to do.
it breaks my heart but your paranoia drives me mad. will it be like this forever? each of the other feeling the other has all the power. it is not safe that way. how can we love each other but hate each other at once. i cannot see. i am blind.
j'espère ne plus jamais faire souffrir quelqu'un comme je t'ai fait souffrir.
-little bug

lessons

two things that i simply do not understand.
1) my biopsy went incredibly well and i'm completely healthy and perfect. so why does my aunt have to go off and blab to everyone. obviously she has not had this happen to her. unfortunately it has happened to me twice. this experience...not the biopsy. when something very or even slightly tragic happens in your life, it is not custom to go tell everyone about it. or at least such is the case avec moi. when there is something like illness or in my previous case the death of a parent or other close relation, it is not the best thing to keep talking about it to the person experiencing the loss or what have you, especially when it is from people they did not tell and these people happen to be making baby noises or whatever to try and comfort said person.
honestly, i had a small surgery, i didn't digress to the age of 4, for heaven's sake.
I understand though that they are just trying to help, or whatever is going through their mind, but in reality it just creates more stress and frustration.
i was totally comfortable and fine until all of these people started calling. this is why i didn't tell people, so that they wouldn't be freaking out over nothing especially because this really is nothing. most women have this done. really, it is not a big deal.


2) sometimes i question some people's taste level. i went into a store called No Fear today with a friend (if that friend ever reads this, i apologize) . its a place that carries brands like SKIN, SOCAL, metal militia, etc. it's all bro/bro-ho clothes. first of all i was not comfortable in the least bit even being in that store. it's the trashiest i've ever felt and i don't even wear those clothes. there was a sales boy who was giving my friend his opinion and such on the windbreaker that she wanted. he was definitely hitting on her. i was definitely rude to him. very wannabe bro, very wannabe thug, just a wannabe and frankly he made me uncomfortable in more ways than one. when he rang her up he was shamelessly hitting on her and one of the "tricks" he used was talking to his coworker about his mom. basically he said he needed to get out on time so his mom wouldn't have to wait to pick him up. his coworker noted that he was "so considerate" blah blah blah and my friend smiled. all i could think was....wait...you don't drive? this guy was in his 20s and his mom was driving him? which also meant that he probably lived with his mother. all i could do was roll my eyes and juggle sarcastic remarks around in my head. when we left i finally said "well he's a winner" and my friend laughed and stuff as i threw out my remarks which were probably harsh but still... and then she was like "well...i dunno...i thought he was cute"...in that same conversation she said that if it came between a really nice guy and a really hot bro guy she would probably go with the bro, even though she said she knew she would wish for the nice one.
this made me feel horrible. since when did women decide to date men based purely on looks. truthfully that's not my top priority in attraction and i honestly did not think girls would rather go for the "hot" guy than a nice or intelligent guy.

which brings me to another point. the things the sexist things i can think of are intelligence, passion, and ambition. i don't care how superficially "attractive" a guy is, if he can't carry on a decent conversation then he might as well be jabba the hut and if he can that makes him attractive despite possible physical flaws.
of course i have physical characteristics i'm into, it would be inhuman not to, but by no means are they the most important thing i look for. does that make me too picky?
maybe that's why i haven't had this huge dating career. looking back, yeah there's always guys that are interested in me but lack of intellect and ignorance are the most unattractive things in the world. i've turned down a number of boys in my life and believe me it wasn't for a problem of aesthetics. i don't think i have high standards...well i guess i do, but i feel that i deserve that right.

banana love

it's so strange how things work out the way they do. six months ago i would have never though that banana and i would be back to where we were. it really gives a new meaning to friendship. it's the most wonderful feeling when you haven't talked to someone in almost a year and the minute you get back together it's like you were never apart.
we've had so many wonderful times and i really love her so much.

so basically i'm just rambling about jordan and that she's my favorite and that we are each other's favorite.

when i move, i seem to move for other people which i don't really see as a bad thing. i love going to new places and having new experiences and if someone wants to go somewhere and they are willing to have me come as well, i'm down. i don't think that i could live very far from jordan, she is the biggest reason i want to stay here. i will miss her smile so much. she's the one who really understands and truly accepts me for who i am.

our "fight", our "falling out" was just as bazaar as our reunion. i guess we both knew that we each needed to grow and that we needed to do that growing by ourselves. that's the way i could best describe it.

so jordana banana i love you

melted ice

all my ice melted and now i'm in a little puddle.
i feel great, but that's not necessarily a good thing

sick

i don't understand why someone can be so paranoid over a significant other that can't even leave the house. o know that its worse than what he tells me. i know he thinks i'm scheming or planning something, or making it all up. honestly, i have gaping holes in my mouth, massive medication and surgery tomorrow. he must not believe me. how can you be so paranoid.
do i really seem so desperate? do i really seem like someone who is going to hook up with someone in this state? geez. it seems ridiculous and ludacris. what do you mean you cant help but be paranoid? where am i going to go? who am i possibly going to see?
theres no way you can be angry at me for this. do you think that this is what i want? am i the kind of person who wants to be continually stabbed and jabbed and dug into?
you must not know anything about me.

since no one reads

and since i need to write it down SOMEWHERE...here is my top secret best ever vegan cheesecake recipe. yes the one that non-vegans have described as "heaven". That's just Ramone and Kamila, but hey, Kamila hates regular cheesecake but she can't get enough of this and i love her for it. On that note, for people who haven't had vegan cheesecake before, its a little more rich and creamy, also a little sweeter, and i have nothing against that. plus its exciting because i made it up by myself...hurray.

Start with
2 tubs 12oz? of tofutti better than cream cheese, try to get non-hydrogenated (or if you can get ahold of the follow your heart brand DO SO)
2 cups evaporated cane juice (or regular sugar if needs be)
egg replacer (enough for 2 eggs), preferably ener-g
1 tsp organic vanilla
about 1 tsp orange rind (to taste) can also be other fruit, the point is the citrus

graham cracker crust (preferably make your own)
assortment of fruit, chocolate, whatever


preheat oven to 350
soften the tofutti by squishing, stirring, mashing, whatever unless you have a mixer, obviously. i had to start getting creative when i moved away from my KitchenAid.
mix in sugar, egg replacer, vanilla, and orange rind, until smooth. pour in crust and set in oven, check every 10 minutes, 30 minutes tops. i haven't figured out the perfect cooking time but it really depends on the oven. if you just keep an eye on it it will be perfect. i haven't burnt one so good luck.
if you don't have the option of the oven, try freezing it, since there's nothing that you really need took cook in it, health wise, this should be fine. its a little hard and more like ice cream but its delicious all the same

it might get a little brown on the edges but that's fine. when its done stick it in the fridge for about an hour. this is the hardest part for me since all my roommates start to pick at it.
now just top it with your favorite fruits or whatever you want and enjoy.

note:some people like ivan, can't wait till it cools all the way and eat it when its still warm and soft which is fine and delicious but it gets a little messy and the fruit makes white spots on the top.

next i'm trying it with green and blacks maya gold and raspberries. i'll tell you how it goes.

better

it's amazing what sleep can do.

pitiful

so all of this sick time has given me all of this thinking time, which may or may not be a good thing. fading in and out of consciousness i've found myself worse off today than the others before. maybe it's the drugs, maybe it's the lack of food, whatever it is, it's not the best thing.
so my thinking continues and i can't help but feel trapped. maybe it's true what ivan says. maybe i won't be able to find someone who loves me as much as he does.
it makes me think back and try and find a time i didn't have to make the first move.
blaze asked me the other day to give him suggestions on asking a girl for her number, then it dawned on me, no one has ever asked for my number. well obviously people have but not in that way. i guess i should be thankful to not have to deal with that sort of thing but still...it would be nice.
another thing, guys always tell about how much they love it when girls make the first move. well...i'm tired of it. it's ridiculous. is it so hard to grow a pair?
maybe it's just me being sick but i can't help but be pessimistic.

too much ice cream

and too much vicodin.
i have no more wisdom teeth which does not bring me pain as much as it does boredom. i can't stop craving solid foods and my teeth don't hurt when i eat them, however, i keep envisioning things getting caught in the holes in my mouth which is a little graphic and terribly disgusting. All I can think about is hemp burgers from Taco Loco, Mee Krab and Pad Thai from Mongkut Thai. The softest food I'm craving is spaghetti, but even the sauce i like has mushrooms and tomato chunks in it. So currently i am doomed to starve.
at least i have time to actually put something on my blog no matter how medicated i am.
so my plan right now is as follows:
go home (to arcata) on wednesday. work my little butt off in graphic design, figure drawing, and french (specifically). the other classes i'm not too worried about. mostly i'm just trying to keep myself busy. with 22 units that shouldn't be that big of an issue.
ANTM auditions are at the end of May/early June, which is not something i want to admit that i will do but...you know me.
which also means time to hit the gym and work on my walk. Hopefully being Kamila's continuous model wont hurt either.
The other thing i plan to do is a lot of sewing and working on my portfolio. My life goal continues to be to become a licensed couture dressmaker.
in other news i continue to sing feist's brandy alexander...for obvious reasons. and i bought the most amazing new flats