merry christmas

this christmas was just another day i guess. it was my first day off in a long time and is the only day i have off for the next week or so.
steve and i went to the migdat's. that's really all i have to say about that except that i had a really good time talking to my cousin. i have a lot of hope for him and it was nice not to feel so alone at all of these functions. he actually inspired me a little. i need to get a better hold of what i'm doing in life.
right now i feel like i'm aimlessly wandering, waiting for something

it's official

i am now homeless.
i decided that i couldn't really afford rent at my house so i'm staying with friends right now, will perhaps camp around. it'll be an adventure to say the least.
i quit nordstrom recently. saturday is my last day. that job has just been creating too much unneeded stress in my life right now with too little pay. i have a job at a gluten-free market called Stella Lucy's down by del mar. it's really nice, i love it, but unfortunately i only work saturdays. it should be enough to pay my car payments for the moment, but sadly no rent.
i've been missing my friends up north and the new plan is to move up next semester.
i feel like i'm a little messed up right now. as most of you know i've finally been able to move on from my relationship with ivan. that's not to say that i'm over it or anything but it's what's best. i miss the friendship more than anything. dating someone for so long, i guess that that's bound to happen. he was, after all my best friend for over two years.
i just learned that sean and jocie (my old best friends) recently broke up as well. i think that that's for the best as well. it really solidifies things though for some reason.
i'm dating someone new and it's going okay. he's not really someone i ever saw myself dating but things seem to be working out as well as i could hope for, which is not well on my side but very good on his side. so at least one of us is happy.

....yeah... that's all for now.

now i'm done!

it's been a long time

101 Reasons to GO VEGAN

original site

its UK based but it gives you an idea of what's going on. just remember that the numbers would be much greater when applying it to the US

PEOPLE

Every year in the UK we feed our livestock enough food to feed 250,000,000 people while in the world 30,000,000 people die of starvation
20 vegetarians can live off the land required by one meat eater
Every 3 seconds a child dies of starvation somewhere in the world
If Americans reduced their meat consumption by 10% it would free 12,000,000 tons of grain - enough to feed 60,000,000 people (the population of Great Britain)
If all Americans became vegetarian, it would free enough grain to feed 600,000,000 people (the population of India)
Intensification in animal farming has displaced 1,000,000's of people from their traditional lands - eg. indigenous people in south & central america, native americans in north america & crofters in Great Britain - this is continuing today
People displaced from their lands into cities succumb to dietary deficiency, diseases, parasites & opportunistic diseases
In third world countries 1 in 10 babies die before their first birthday
The UK imports 46,000,000 worth of grain from third world countries to feed our livestock
Due to overgrazing 850,000,000 people live on land threatened by desertification & over 230,000,000 already live on land so severely desertified that they are unable to sustain their existence & face imminent starvation
1,000,000,000 people in the west gorging on meat & dairy leave 1,000,000,000 to waste away & 3,500,000,000 teeter on the brink

LAND

If they continue to clear American forests to raise cattle at the present rate, in 50 years there will be none left
1 acre yields 165 lbs of beef or 20,000 lbs of potatoes
8/10 of cultivated land in the UK is used to grow food for animals
It takes 16lbs of high protein soya to produce 1 lb of beef
Since 1945 in the UK we have lost 95% of flower meadows, 50% of ancient woodlands, 40% of heathlands, 50% of wet lands & 224,000 km of hedgerows all due to animal farming
Pressure on land due to meat farming leads to soil erosion 6billion tons/year in the USA
If everyone went vegetarian upto 90% of land used for animal farming could be taken out of production & used to replant woodlands, leisure activities etc.
25% of Central america's forests have been destroyed for cattle grazing since 1960
Between 1966-1983 38% of the Amazon rain forest was destroyed for cattle grazing
90% of cattle ranches established on cleared forest land go bankrupt in less than 8 years as the land becomes barren due to nutrient loss & overgrazing
Overgrazing by cattle is destroying the land & increasing desertification, nearly 430 million acres in the USA alone has suffered a 25-50% reduction in yield since first grazed
An inch of topsoil takes 200-1000 years to develop - yet in the USA they have lost around 1/3 of their prime topsoil in 200 years (around 7 inches) due to animal farming
Land will be lost due to rises in sea level due to global warming due to animal farming

AIR

The destruction of the rainforest by cattle farmers is destroying the lungs of the planet & reducing the worlds capacity to replenish our oxygen supply
The 1,300,000,000 cattle in the world emit 60,000,000 tons of methane per year (methane is a greenhouse gas & leads to global warming)
Burning of forests, grasslands & agricultural waste associated with animal farming releases 50-100,000,000 tons of methane per year
Combining these figures, 25% of methane emissions are due to animal farming (not including the billions of sheep, pigs & poultry so the real figure is much higher)
Fertilizer used to grow crops to feed to animals releases nitrous oxide - thought to account for 6% of the greenhouse effect
Fertilizer, weedkiller & pesticides sprayed on crops enter the atmosphere creating a noxious carcinogenic cocktail
CFCs are released into the air from refrigeration units used to store decomposing flesh (meat), milk & butter - CFCs are destroy the ozone layer
Ammonia from animal urine also pollutes the atmosphere
CO2 is released by burning oil & petrol in lorries, ships, abattoirs, dairies, factories etc. associated with meat & dairy production
Emissions from large chemical plants which produce fertilizer, weedkiller & other agricultural chemicals are also poisoning our air

WATER

25 gallons of water to produce 1lb of wheat & 2500 gallons to produce 1lb of meat
UK farm animals produce 200,000,000 tons of slurry (liquid excrement) every year, the majority of which ends up in our rivers
Bloody waste water from abattoirs ends up in our rivers
In the USA every second humans produce 12,000 lbs of effluent while farmed animals produce 250,000 lbs
Nitrates & pesticides used on crops grown to feed livestock end up in our rivers
Meat & dairy farming uses 70 litres of water per day per animal in the UK or 159,250,000,000 litres per year in total
The water used to produce 10 lbs of steak is equivalent to the average consumption of water for an entire household for an entire year
Depletion of groundwater reserves to grow crops for animals & to supply abattoirs will lead to greater water shortages
Aquafers (stores of underground water) in the San Joaquin valley in the USA are being drained at the rate of 500,000,000,000 gallons/year to produce meat
18% of all agricultural land in the world is irrigated & as global warming increases (partly due to animal farming) it will cost $200,000,000 to keep these systems going
The water used to produce a 1000 lb beef steer is enough to float a Destroyer battleship
The liquid waste from the various parts of the meat & dairy industry flow into the rivers & from there into the seas polluting them & encouraging huge algal blooms to grow

EFFICIENCY

To produce 1calorie of energy from meat takes 60 calories of petrol, whereas growing grains & legumes to directly feed people produces 20 calories for each calorie of fuel used ( thats 1200 times more efficient)
Meat & dairy farming uses billions of gallons of oil to run tractors, fuel ships & lorries (to move animal feed & animals), pump billions of gallons of water to irrigate fields & run slaughterhouses, power refrigeration units to prevent the corpses from decomposing & to power sewage plants to clean up some of the pollution produced
Cattle convert only 6% of their energy intake (mainly grains & soya) into flesh, the remaining 94% is wasted as heat, movement (which is why they keep many animals in very close confinement), hair, bones, faeces etc
1lb of beef takes 1 gallon of petrol to produce
A family of four eating beef for a year uses enough petrol to run a car for 6 months (obviously depending on how far you drive!)
If the full ecological cost of meat was passed onto the consumer - the price would be quadrupled (at least)
The EC spends 100,000,000's to subsidise animal production resulting in lakes of unwanted milk & mountains of unwanted meat & butter. This money could be better spent encouraging organic fruit, vegetable & grain production
In the USA in 1979 145,000,000 tons of crops were fed to cattle resulting in only 21million tons of animal bodies - the cost of the wasted crops was $20,000,000,000
Between 1950 & 1985 grain production in Europe & the USA increased massively but 2/3 was fed to animals
70% of all grain is fed to animals
Eating vast quantities of animal flesh, eggs, milk & butter is a luxury that most of the planet can not afford

ANIMALS

Fishing with drift (and other modern) nets weakens & destroys ecosystems by indiscriminately killing billions of sea creatures & disrupting the sea bed
Fishermen's nets kill 10 times as many other animals as the fish they are hoping to catch
Fish caught in nets die an agonising slow death of suffocation
Each year 15,000,000,000 land animals are slaughtered for food & an unknown but much larger number of sea creatures (including 1000's of dolphins caught accidentally)
Chickens are crammed into battery cages with upto 3 other birds, they are unable to even spread their wings & many can not even stand up
Unwanted male chicks (because they can't lay eggs) are gassed or pulped while their sisters go to the battery sheds
Chicks are debeaked without anaesthetic to prevent them injuring each other in the unnaturally confined conditions they are kept in - this is equivalent to having your fingernails pulled out without anaesthetic
Modern farming methods using growth hormones & artificial lighting mean that many chickens out grow their bones, resulting in fractured & broken legs
Sows are kept tethered in stalls 1.3 x 1 metre on concrete or slatted floors - they can not even turn around
Poultry raised for meat are kept in windowless broiler sheds, with around 20-30,000 in each shed, they live in an area of 10-20 cm square - fighting due to overcrowding is common & like battery hens they commonly suffer from supperating bed sores
Broilersheds are artificially lit 23 hours a day to produce rapid growth
Animals travel between farms & to slaughter in overcrowded transporters with no food or water - resulting in stress, injuries & deaths - legal requirements are widely ignored
95% of poultry suffer injuries before being killed & 30% suffer broken bones
Problems with stunning practices mean that many animals have their throats slit while still conscious (around 6% of cattle or 200,000 per year) & are then dipped in tanks of scalding water (to loosen feathers, bristles etc.) again while fully conscious
4000 animals die spurting their blood out every minute in a British slaughterhouse
Calf leather comes from animals killed at just 2 weeks old
Cows were fed on the ground up remains of other cows & sheep - the result is thought to be BSE (mad cow disease) in the USA cattle are fed partly on recycled plastic pellets
Cows only give milk for 10 months after they have a calf - so they are routinely artificially inseminated (ie. mechanically raped) to keep them pregnant & milking - their calves are taken away (usually at 12 hours old) for meat or export to veal crates
Cows would naturally live upto 20 years but are slaughtered after 5-7 years when their milk production begins to fall
In the UK animals are killed by first being stunned with electricity or a captive bolt gun (ie. a bolt is fired into their heads) before having their throats slit & being plunged into boiling water - all this happens on a production line with the animals being hung upside down from a moving conveyor belt - this is factory farming
"Animals are those unfortunate slaves & victims of the most brutal part of mankind" - John Stewart Mill (philosopher)
Veal calves are confined in stalls in the dark, unable to move & are fed on pigs blood , chocolate & dried milk (we are drinking the rich fresh milk of their mothers)
Cows naturally produce 5 litres of milk per day for their calves - under the intensified systems of modern farming they produce 25-40 litres per day - resulting in swollen & inflamed udders - at this rate they are soon worn out
Large areas of land are under monoculture to grow crops to feed to animals - these areas are wildlife deserts supporting fewer & fewer species.








HEALTH

Vegetarians have a 20% lower rate of mortality from all causes (ie. they live longer & don't get sick as often)
Meat is full of traces of antibiotics, hormones, toxins produced by stress & pesticide residues that become concentrated from all the crops they have eaten
Fish contain heavy metals & other pollutants -many of which originated on farms
The world health organisation recommends a diet low in saturated fat, sugar, salt & with plenty of fibre - exactly what you get on a vegan/vegetarian diet
Farmed animals contain upto 50% saturated fat in their bodies
Vegetarians have 24% reduced risk of getting heart disease & Vegans a 57% reduction (heart disease is the biggest killer in the UK accounting for 50% of deaths)
Obesity is rare in vegetarians, obesity is related to many diseases
Vegans & vegetarians have lower blood pressure & cholesterol levels - high levels are associated with heart disease, strokes & kidney failure
Vegetarians have a 50% reduced risk of dying of diabetes
Vegetarians have a 40% reduced level of cancer than the general population thought to be because they have a higher intake of vitamins A,C & E
Vegetarians have a reduced risk of developing gall & kidney stones
80% of food poisoning is due to infected meat (faeces, bacteria etc.) after all meat is decomposing flesh - most of the rest is due to salmonella in eggs
Osteoporosis due to calcium loss from bones is mainly due to the sulphur content in meat & casein protein in milk that cause calcium to be lost in the urine - the countries with the highest meat & dairy consumption are those with the highest levels of brittle bones
50% of people do not have the enzyme to digest milk properly & milk allergy is related to asthma & eczema
Meat eaters have double the rate of Alzheimers disease as Vegans & Vegetarians - some people also think that Parkinsons disease is also linked to meat eating
Egg yolk is a dense concentration of saturated fat & the white is high in albumin protein associated with leaching calcium into your urine. Butter is 80% saturated fat, cream is 40% saturated fat & cheese is 25-40% saturated fat
Meat eaters are two and a half times more likely to get bowel cancer than Vegetarians
The cling film used to wrap meat in supermarkets & butchers contains chemicals linked to falling sperm counts in men
Chinese people (living mainly on a vegetarian diet) consume 20% more calories than Americans but Americans are 20% fatter
Of 2,100,000 deaths in the USA in 1987, 1,500,000 were related to diet (ie. meat & dairy)

AND I COULD GO ON !

If you've read this far, I hope that you are beginning to see that the Meat & Dairy industry is a major contributor to misery on this planet. It is destroying the health of people in rich countries, starving those in poor countries, it is torturing & killing billions of animals every year and in the meantime it is one of the major factors in the destruction of the environment - so what does the meat & dairy industry have to say in it's defence?
Well their only real point is usually "Meat is tasty" - fair enough a lot of people enjoy the taste of meat - but there are plenty of delicious alternatives (just consider the huge range of vegetarian dishes in Indian cooking - one of the oldest & most sophisticated cuisines in the world) and if you really crave meat & dairy, nowadays there are plenty of healthy non animal alternatives - just look in the supermarket & health food shop. So I hope you will agree it's pretty pathetic to consider all the evidence & then say "well I know you're right about the environment & health & the animals - but I just love my meat"

Oracular Spectacular

MGMT's new video "Time To Pretend" is definitely on my top ten list at the moment. It's Lord of the Flies meets Yellow Submarine avec psychedelic colours and green screen effcts...and the songs not half bad either

blog about a blog

roller chester is my god

the important part shows

nataliedee.com
maybe i'll fix it later

suffering from infatuation

I'm going to miss the rain

What does it mean to be in and to fall in love? Who actually qualifies as the one your in love with? The one who you miss? The one you’re jealous of? The one you clean up after? The boy making funny faces at me from across the library?
I’ve been with the same person for two years and already it feels like we are an old married couple. I use to want the relationship that I’m in; a stable, comfortable relationship. All of that has changed though and I guess I don’t know what I want anymore. Which makes it hard for my mate since he feels he must change to better suit my needs. I really don’t know what those needs are though, honestly I don’t.
I look back and am a little sad. Maybe I’ve missed my chance at something else. Maybe that is why I’m feeling this way. Maybe I just want what’s just out of my reach and everyday it gets a little further until it completely disappears from sight.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my boyfriend. I absolutely adore him. He’s probably more than I deserve. Without him I don’t know what I would do, especially in Humboldt which is just not the place for me. I just wonder why I am so lonely.
Maybe I’m just in a funk. Maybe I want too much or maybe I just need to know what I need. I’m not searching for love like in the movies. I’m searching for happiness. Sometimes love isn’t all you need. People accuse me of being selfish for such a goal but I feel it would be nice to find happiness and share it with someone.

And recently I've made a new friend and it already seems like we've know each other much longer than a few days. All of a sudden I find myself wishing I could stay just another week or so but I know I don't want to stay here. Relationships are fickle even if they are just the kind for friends and it would seem silly to stay for that. I'm sure he'll get tired of me before the week is through anyway. I find myself excited about going home and being able to start working again and seeing my friends but i already i begin to feel nostalgic.

i wish i had the funds to make vegan cheesecake. i really want it right now. whenever i do have the time/money it always seems to be gone before i get the chance to have a piece. i guess that's what i get for living with two boys.
i think i'll spend most of my day in the library today, working on finals and such. i really want to practice cello today.
i don't even know what i'm talking about. just rambling i guess

well we did just get mario cart wii

enough said

I found a new place to waste my time check it out

for all the snobs out there this one is for you. I came across this site today through a link from fetch dog. I actually think it's pretty funny and if you know, or think you know, your stuff it is. They have sections on music snobbery, film snobbery, and food snobbery. Mostly it takes whacks on people who think they are snobs like mentioning Juno and the "scene in which Jason Bateman’s 40-ish yuppie character communes with young Juno (Ellen Page) by playfully arguing over the merits of Herschell Gordon Lewis versus those of Dario Argento. The concept isn’t bad, but the scene is about as believable as the name Diablo Cody." They also have stuff like Five songs that sound like they ought to be sung by the muppets

PSA

a tool

so i feel like such a tool but i still can't help loving Shepard Fairey, the artist behind Obey. Does it really make me a sell out if i like a sell-out's art...hmmm...i'm having an internal conflict right now. although maybe it's just the stencil and colour style that i like. he does use most of my favorite colour combinations...maybe that's it. I did see a sweet bottle of wine the other day with this style label although i think it would be more appropriate for vodka, maybe.




but at least i still like Kawsone so that makes me mildly legit right?


my roommate's boyfriend is sleeping in her bed right now and snoring...kind of annoying since she's not even here

my future children

don't ask me how i'm going to end up with a Korean baby, I'll figure that one out later.

mano negra

I am the creator/editor of a zine called Mano Negra in Humboldt County, Ca. We use to have a pretty good circulation going around campuses and the like but we (all of the writers and I) have recently fallen apart.
The original purpose for my zine was to get radical people involved in writing and sharing their knowledge or the "real world" as we like to call it. Needless to say, the writers had different ideas. So the zine became a compilation of 6-8 of us, mostly girls, who wrote on a singular topic and how it related to our lives. This was actually part of my original idea but then topics people wanted to write on became less and less radical until we just started to rant, which is fine but it's not what i wanted out of my zine.
Classes made us drift a little as the semester ended and it got harder and harder for us to meet, for a while they actually had to meet without me but we were still able to come up with our February issue, our 4th issue, but our designated printer never got around to sending us copies so that we could print. It's all but a memory now but i remember and want my original plan to come to life.

one more and then i'm done

i don't know how i found jerry time but now i have a new past time...wow lame use of words there

my new boyfriend

watch out

or Dihydrogen Monoxide will get you.
read it? you don't get it? think about it real hard.

my holiday

has been spent on catching up on ANTM via youtube, a small (very small) work out, looking up places in SF, sewing my jeans, and general nothingness.

so my new find (thanks to Tiff) is stuff white people like.
my favorites being apple, bicycles, and, well it's all pretty funny especially coming from orange county and being around people who are actually like that.


I gave a little research to Mathangi Arulpragasam (M.I.A.) since I've only heard a couple of her songs and there's all this hype about her. Sean first introduced her to Ivan and I circa 2006? i think but now everyone is like OMG M.I.A.
So here's the scoop on her. Born in England to a Tamil activist-turned militant, she moved back to Sri Lanka when she was 6 months old. To make a long story short she, her mother and siblings had to move frequently trying to avoid the civil war/ethnic conflict with little contact from her father who was obviously involved in the struggle. Finally they ended up back in the UK as refugees. Now 11 she started to learn English and first heard Western radio from her neighbor's flats in London. She started off as an artist and designed an album cover for Elastica and went on tour with them and Peaches where she was encouraged to become a musician and the rest is history as they say.

like her because she's legit and sings about real issues. any violence in her music is about civil war, guerilla warfare, etc, not some glorified graphic sent out for shock value, if you can call that shocking anymore.

she grows on you



I think she looks like Daniel's girlfriend, Roxy and no it's not the hair

oh and ps this story isn't actually true. it's a segment called the best story ever on a canadian political news show called the hour. People usually just tell fake stories, and it's supposed to be obvious. Tom green told a story about how he almost bled to death with his ribs sticking out and he was bleeding in the bathroom for fifteen minutes.

don't you wish you're car insurance were as cheap as you are

I know i do

who does she think she's kidding

does anyone know what significantly higher fasting plasma triacylglycerol values do to your body? it promotes cardiovascular disease (particularly in men). that's what HFCS does to you. Studies done actually have suggested that fructose does increase obesity. Large quantities of fructose stimulate the liver to produce triglycerides, promotes glycation of proteins and induces insulin resistance. According to one study, the average American consumes nearly 70 pounds of HFCS per annum, marking HFCS as a major contributor to the rising rates of obesity in the last generation.
fructose is more readily converted to fat by your liver than is sucrose, increasing the levels of fat in your bloodstream and also contributes to high cholesterol and diabetes. I can't believe that people would believe her.

i found the review...There Will Be Blood

i wrote this back in february and since i've had requests for it...here

There Will Be Blood seems to follow the new cinematic craze of long silences, small hints of a soundtrack and cinematography that is reminiscent of early film noir classics. This, Paul Thomas Anderson accomplishes flawlessly and unlike No Country For Old Men you won’t find yourself glancing at your watch to check the time. Based on Upton Sinclair’s Oil!, There Will Be Blood takes us from the American dream to an American nightmare. It is a film that tells the classic story of greed, envy, and damnation in biblical proportions. We meet Daniel Plainview who finds his personal heaven and hell in an Old Testament town full of New Testament evangelicalism. His only two enemies, mankind and God, never let him rest. Daniel Day-Lewis’s performance leaves nothing for the asking as the man who holds competition at his breast.
With a tangle of relationships there is enough plot aside from murderous greed to keep the story going. The relationships circle around fathers, sons, and brothers with little on-screen time for women so don’t look for any romance. There aren’t unrealistic ideals here.
However, the bond between Plainview and H.W. (Dillon Freasier) raises the stakes enough to give the emotional strength required.
We see Plainview and are constantly reminded by brimstone and flame, created by oil wells, of where he stands in this world.
The only note to make is Paul Dano’s characters, Eli and Paul Sunday, who are in fact brothers but it confuses some thinking that they are in fact the same person. Originally Dano was only cast as Paul but when the original actor for Eli fell through Dano was brought in. It was too late to reshoot the scene with Paul Sunday so they were made twins. The fact that Dano so thoroughly convinces us of Eli’s psychopathic nature is what primarily convinces us that they could be one in the same.
While initially the film may seem slow just wait, let it engulf you and you will sucked right in like Eli’s followers at a sermon. Sound is crucial, even in its absence but when the soundtrack comes int it is nothing less than perfect. Let Day-Lewis’ reverberating tone pull you in with its charming wolfish perversity. You will follow him as he reaches Little Boston and finds a whole sea waiting just for this oilman. It seems so easy until Eli Sunday throws Plainview’s second enemy, religion, on the doorstep with impish ferocity.
H.W., the infant he adopts when the boy’s father dies in Plainview’s first accident in an oil well. H.W. is the closest he gets to true love even if he does exploit H.W.’s boyish charm and family values. When H.W. goes deaf Plainview is heartbroken, but not openly, and never forgives himself as his once partner and companion becomes standoffish, suspicious, and jealous. The heartbreak lasts until the end, both that of Plainview and H.W. The chemistry between the actors brings that side to it when easily we could have forgotten Plainview’s love, which makes him human. That is why we love Plainview. Even if he seems a heartless killer, a ravenous miser, he is capable of love and to us that gives him light. It gives us more than just horrified fascination.
In the final scene Plainview takes final revenge on both man and God with a charge of blistering violence. With biblical exultation Plainview utters, “I’m finished.” It just about leaves you breathless.
Lovers of a sugar coated sweet story will hate this film. If you have no sense of adventure, don’t even bother. But then again, if you were looking for that you’d probably dislike me as well.

It's attatched to your rod motherlicker!

well now that we've all seen it about 50 times i can only say it gets funnier each time. i remember watching it the first time and thinking how could anyone think this is funny...well, now i'm a believer.
and i've actually looked the whole episode with Noel Fielding's other character. i didn't even realize before but he plays old gregg as well

i also suggest other episodes of the mighty boosh. Fountain of Youth is a good one but i'm not allowed to embed it, hit up youtube

boredom

possibly the best game ever.
mcdonalds
I think it teaches great morals about our great capitalist nation. seriously give it a try. i never end up playing more than about 5 minutes since mcdonalds fires my incompetent ass rather swiftly.

in other news...peeps...i'm a little late for easter since i've been obviously rather lazy but i think you'll enjoy it all the same.
who knew peeps could be so...expressive

sociology and photoshoots

so apparently there is intelligent life in my sociology class. this is the one where a girl once said that we should just kill all of the criminals and that there is nothing wrong with the privatization of prisons...yeah...right. but i found people actually saying the EXACT same things that i've told them. initially all i could think of was...what the fuck these people are stealing my ideas then i though...meh okay at least they're not afraid of me anymore. a kid quoted my whole "We vs Me" societal issue thing and they're all talking about how the structure is the problem and i feel i'm gathering a small band of rebels...actually i feel its more hilarious than anything else...don't ask me why.
photo shoot with kamila today went pretty well although we might have exposed all the film on the viewfinder camera...that's one of those super old ones that you put on a little cape to see under. it looks kind of like an accordion. at least the digitals came out well. i took a bath afterwards and forgot how much eye makeup i had been wearing...needless to say i looked like a raccoon.

spoiled brats

i'm on a cleaning rampage at the moment. my dorm is a cotastrophy. yesterday i cleared out the mold off our window and hopefully saturday i'll get the kitchen clean. today my task is the room. i'm not sure how successful it'll be since there's still a bunch of ivan stuff here but that should be changing soon...hopefully. basically my roommates/suitemates need to learn to get off of their ass and clean. we have our very own valley girl who probably just goes here since she couldn't get accepted to anything better. she has her brand new red jeep which she calls a "hunk o'junk" and NEVER does her dishes. my roommate, Lisa, stacked her dishes yesterday since they were monopalizing the entire kitchen and our little valley girl flipped and wrote an angry message on the chalk board. personally i find it a little funny since she really has nothing going for her. she doesn't particularly have good looks, she's not ugly by anymeans but she's not the typical blonde bimbo valley girls that get away with being bitchy and immature since they're so stereotipically gorgeous, but no, she's just a complaining, lazy girl who can't clean and makes us all sick with her undercooked food.
I almost forgot how good Los Bagels is and fear i may die in may when i move back to orange county.
I've found myself back in the world of sticky buns, blueberry muffins, slugs, and of course regular bagels with amazingness on top aka the best cream cheese i've ever had, veggies, fresh blackberry jam, etc...mmm now i'm getting hungry
yeah, you're jealous

you know you like it

horton hears a who

saw it and i have to say that if you watch this clip you'll have seen the best part of the film...

the funny thing is i believe i actually had a conversation about farting butterflies with someone, we decided that it would be a horrible idea since everyday when you took off your pants you'd find dead butterflies

my favorite quote...ever

Craig Kilborn: "Name your favorite Charlie's Angel. Give you some time to think of that."
John Cleese: "Noam Chomsky."

los bagels

my teeth hurt so bad that i feel like the lower part of my skull will separate.
it's strange to feel so lonely where i am in life but i've never been more so.

blackbird rum

i actually sat down today and drew which has been a rare occurrence since i have begun my collegiate career which is strange since i'm a studio art major. i might as well be majoring in "starving artist" but whateves. i'm getting really into graphic design which i think i could be really could at, but that's just for now. i had a dream last night of all these clothes i should or did or will design. or something like that. that made me happy since i've had a lack of inspiration lately.
i will try and get the two pictures up when i pull my scanner out from under my bed.
I should really be writing my article for the zine right now. i'm the editor for goodness sakes. (i don't know how to write that expression and i just realized that

so soon

i think i'll make cheesecake tonight

snow

The snow finally came. the better half of yesterday as well as the early morning brought white the beautiful yet very cold white stuff to our home. ivan wanted to hike but since i was feeling sick and hiking in the middle of a pretty good snow fall and possibly throwing up all over it didn't seem like my perfect afternoon, i passed.
one of my favorite and least favorite things about redwood country is that you're never quite sure when it stops raining. the trees are so heavy with water that the continue the showers for up to hours longer than the skies decided. in this case however the trees are heavy with melting snow and the sun has come up and they seem to pour cold cold water for god knows how long. long story short...avoid the trees.
i was a little upset when i was walking to class today and almost fell on my butt like four times on those slick slopes but now its just wet and i want it back. there's snow around but still...i want more.
on of my professors was making fun of "californians" and how they don't know about snow. excuse me. does he realize how large this state is? its larger than many countries. did the geographical diversity ever strike him. from my home in san clemente i could see snow on the close-by mountains and there's always plenty of feet of snow just an hour away. i was really disappointed to see just a few inches. there was actually a lot but it just wouldn't stick until well into the 4th hour of the storm. i expected more...but still it was nice and exciting.

dans les grandes plainmes des peines à jouir

parfois j'aimerais mourir tellement j'ai voulu croire.
it somehow seems to be a mistake. i am not happy. jealously, paranoia destroys everything with us little bear. it drives me crazy little bear. i do not feel better as i sit alone waiting for you to come home. i can no longer see the bright future we once saw together. i have lost that future and no longer know what to do.
i still have these passions little bear. i still cannot stand aside and watch little bear but i no longer know what i am to do.
i had been so sure. i was so committed to my cause, willing to become a martyr in a revolution i will not see, but i cannot leave my family. i cannot have my family leave me. i don't know what to do.
it breaks my heart but your paranoia drives me mad. will it be like this forever? each of the other feeling the other has all the power. it is not safe that way. how can we love each other but hate each other at once. i cannot see. i am blind.
j'espère ne plus jamais faire souffrir quelqu'un comme je t'ai fait souffrir.
-little bug

lessons

two things that i simply do not understand.
1) my biopsy went incredibly well and i'm completely healthy and perfect. so why does my aunt have to go off and blab to everyone. obviously she has not had this happen to her. unfortunately it has happened to me twice. this experience...not the biopsy. when something very or even slightly tragic happens in your life, it is not custom to go tell everyone about it. or at least such is the case avec moi. when there is something like illness or in my previous case the death of a parent or other close relation, it is not the best thing to keep talking about it to the person experiencing the loss or what have you, especially when it is from people they did not tell and these people happen to be making baby noises or whatever to try and comfort said person.
honestly, i had a small surgery, i didn't digress to the age of 4, for heaven's sake.
I understand though that they are just trying to help, or whatever is going through their mind, but in reality it just creates more stress and frustration.
i was totally comfortable and fine until all of these people started calling. this is why i didn't tell people, so that they wouldn't be freaking out over nothing especially because this really is nothing. most women have this done. really, it is not a big deal.


2) sometimes i question some people's taste level. i went into a store called No Fear today with a friend (if that friend ever reads this, i apologize) . its a place that carries brands like SKIN, SOCAL, metal militia, etc. it's all bro/bro-ho clothes. first of all i was not comfortable in the least bit even being in that store. it's the trashiest i've ever felt and i don't even wear those clothes. there was a sales boy who was giving my friend his opinion and such on the windbreaker that she wanted. he was definitely hitting on her. i was definitely rude to him. very wannabe bro, very wannabe thug, just a wannabe and frankly he made me uncomfortable in more ways than one. when he rang her up he was shamelessly hitting on her and one of the "tricks" he used was talking to his coworker about his mom. basically he said he needed to get out on time so his mom wouldn't have to wait to pick him up. his coworker noted that he was "so considerate" blah blah blah and my friend smiled. all i could think was....wait...you don't drive? this guy was in his 20s and his mom was driving him? which also meant that he probably lived with his mother. all i could do was roll my eyes and juggle sarcastic remarks around in my head. when we left i finally said "well he's a winner" and my friend laughed and stuff as i threw out my remarks which were probably harsh but still... and then she was like "well...i dunno...i thought he was cute"...in that same conversation she said that if it came between a really nice guy and a really hot bro guy she would probably go with the bro, even though she said she knew she would wish for the nice one.
this made me feel horrible. since when did women decide to date men based purely on looks. truthfully that's not my top priority in attraction and i honestly did not think girls would rather go for the "hot" guy than a nice or intelligent guy.

which brings me to another point. the things the sexist things i can think of are intelligence, passion, and ambition. i don't care how superficially "attractive" a guy is, if he can't carry on a decent conversation then he might as well be jabba the hut and if he can that makes him attractive despite possible physical flaws.
of course i have physical characteristics i'm into, it would be inhuman not to, but by no means are they the most important thing i look for. does that make me too picky?
maybe that's why i haven't had this huge dating career. looking back, yeah there's always guys that are interested in me but lack of intellect and ignorance are the most unattractive things in the world. i've turned down a number of boys in my life and believe me it wasn't for a problem of aesthetics. i don't think i have high standards...well i guess i do, but i feel that i deserve that right.

banana love

it's so strange how things work out the way they do. six months ago i would have never though that banana and i would be back to where we were. it really gives a new meaning to friendship. it's the most wonderful feeling when you haven't talked to someone in almost a year and the minute you get back together it's like you were never apart.
we've had so many wonderful times and i really love her so much.

so basically i'm just rambling about jordan and that she's my favorite and that we are each other's favorite.

when i move, i seem to move for other people which i don't really see as a bad thing. i love going to new places and having new experiences and if someone wants to go somewhere and they are willing to have me come as well, i'm down. i don't think that i could live very far from jordan, she is the biggest reason i want to stay here. i will miss her smile so much. she's the one who really understands and truly accepts me for who i am.

our "fight", our "falling out" was just as bazaar as our reunion. i guess we both knew that we each needed to grow and that we needed to do that growing by ourselves. that's the way i could best describe it.

so jordana banana i love you

melted ice

all my ice melted and now i'm in a little puddle.
i feel great, but that's not necessarily a good thing

sick

i don't understand why someone can be so paranoid over a significant other that can't even leave the house. o know that its worse than what he tells me. i know he thinks i'm scheming or planning something, or making it all up. honestly, i have gaping holes in my mouth, massive medication and surgery tomorrow. he must not believe me. how can you be so paranoid.
do i really seem so desperate? do i really seem like someone who is going to hook up with someone in this state? geez. it seems ridiculous and ludacris. what do you mean you cant help but be paranoid? where am i going to go? who am i possibly going to see?
theres no way you can be angry at me for this. do you think that this is what i want? am i the kind of person who wants to be continually stabbed and jabbed and dug into?
you must not know anything about me.

since no one reads

and since i need to write it down SOMEWHERE...here is my top secret best ever vegan cheesecake recipe. yes the one that non-vegans have described as "heaven". That's just Ramone and Kamila, but hey, Kamila hates regular cheesecake but she can't get enough of this and i love her for it. On that note, for people who haven't had vegan cheesecake before, its a little more rich and creamy, also a little sweeter, and i have nothing against that. plus its exciting because i made it up by myself...hurray.

Start with
2 tubs 12oz? of tofutti better than cream cheese, try to get non-hydrogenated (or if you can get ahold of the follow your heart brand DO SO)
2 cups evaporated cane juice (or regular sugar if needs be)
egg replacer (enough for 2 eggs), preferably ener-g
1 tsp organic vanilla
about 1 tsp orange rind (to taste) can also be other fruit, the point is the citrus

graham cracker crust (preferably make your own)
assortment of fruit, chocolate, whatever


preheat oven to 350
soften the tofutti by squishing, stirring, mashing, whatever unless you have a mixer, obviously. i had to start getting creative when i moved away from my KitchenAid.
mix in sugar, egg replacer, vanilla, and orange rind, until smooth. pour in crust and set in oven, check every 10 minutes, 30 minutes tops. i haven't figured out the perfect cooking time but it really depends on the oven. if you just keep an eye on it it will be perfect. i haven't burnt one so good luck.
if you don't have the option of the oven, try freezing it, since there's nothing that you really need took cook in it, health wise, this should be fine. its a little hard and more like ice cream but its delicious all the same

it might get a little brown on the edges but that's fine. when its done stick it in the fridge for about an hour. this is the hardest part for me since all my roommates start to pick at it.
now just top it with your favorite fruits or whatever you want and enjoy.

note:some people like ivan, can't wait till it cools all the way and eat it when its still warm and soft which is fine and delicious but it gets a little messy and the fruit makes white spots on the top.

next i'm trying it with green and blacks maya gold and raspberries. i'll tell you how it goes.

better

it's amazing what sleep can do.

pitiful

so all of this sick time has given me all of this thinking time, which may or may not be a good thing. fading in and out of consciousness i've found myself worse off today than the others before. maybe it's the drugs, maybe it's the lack of food, whatever it is, it's not the best thing.
so my thinking continues and i can't help but feel trapped. maybe it's true what ivan says. maybe i won't be able to find someone who loves me as much as he does.
it makes me think back and try and find a time i didn't have to make the first move.
blaze asked me the other day to give him suggestions on asking a girl for her number, then it dawned on me, no one has ever asked for my number. well obviously people have but not in that way. i guess i should be thankful to not have to deal with that sort of thing but still...it would be nice.
another thing, guys always tell about how much they love it when girls make the first move. well...i'm tired of it. it's ridiculous. is it so hard to grow a pair?
maybe it's just me being sick but i can't help but be pessimistic.

too much ice cream

and too much vicodin.
i have no more wisdom teeth which does not bring me pain as much as it does boredom. i can't stop craving solid foods and my teeth don't hurt when i eat them, however, i keep envisioning things getting caught in the holes in my mouth which is a little graphic and terribly disgusting. All I can think about is hemp burgers from Taco Loco, Mee Krab and Pad Thai from Mongkut Thai. The softest food I'm craving is spaghetti, but even the sauce i like has mushrooms and tomato chunks in it. So currently i am doomed to starve.
at least i have time to actually put something on my blog no matter how medicated i am.
so my plan right now is as follows:
go home (to arcata) on wednesday. work my little butt off in graphic design, figure drawing, and french (specifically). the other classes i'm not too worried about. mostly i'm just trying to keep myself busy. with 22 units that shouldn't be that big of an issue.
ANTM auditions are at the end of May/early June, which is not something i want to admit that i will do but...you know me.
which also means time to hit the gym and work on my walk. Hopefully being Kamila's continuous model wont hurt either.
The other thing i plan to do is a lot of sewing and working on my portfolio. My life goal continues to be to become a licensed couture dressmaker.
in other news i continue to sing feist's brandy alexander...for obvious reasons. and i bought the most amazing new flats